Cooperative children

Page is largely based on a reader's contribution.
Having cooperative children is (sort of) the "ideal case" for spanking with love. It allows giving the spanking in a positive, constructive environment of love and care.

"I think that consistent with the idea that a loving spanking is a shared two-way experience for parent and child, it is worth giving more thought to how to increase the child's involvement. It can only occur when there is an acceptance by the child that spankings are expressions of their parent's love for them and that they are good for them, not only to correct them but as a way in which they can "pay" for their naughtiness and get rid of any tense or guilty feelings they may have.

Once they understand that, I think that you can go to the next stage of discussing with them what form of spankings will do them the most good and best serve those purposes. This is not to surrender the parent's ultimate authority to decide on when and how to spank, nor should it be seen to compromise the child's obligation to submit to that authority without question. But I have found the input of the children helpful and revealing."

Below is a list of possible aspects of the spanking which parents may want to let the child decide:

• does the child have a preference for fewer, harder spankings or more frequent, more moderate ones?
• who shall give the spanking (mom or dad)
• ratio of different level spanks: "You can establish with the child different levels of spanks and their equivalence to each other. For example, I administer warm, hot and red hot spanks equal to twelve, six and three spanks respectively. Although I do not usually count the spanks, a spanking could therefore consist of roughly sixty warm spanks, or fiteen red hot spanks, or some combination in between. After setting the seriousness index - for example eighty four warm spanks - I sometimes ask my children what proportions they would like to have the spanking in." Comment: this website recommends to give at most 2-3 times as many spanks as the child's age.
• with an implement or the hand (usually the hand will be chosen, but some children may prefer an implement because it means the number of spanks will be less)
• on bare or clothed bottom (a tradeoff between protection and duration/hardness/implement)
• who takes down the pants
• the place of the spanking: the child may prefer a particular room, or a particular chair, couch or bed There is one important thing to say about such an "active involvement".

Parents should not force it upon children who are not yet ready for it. It requires a certain maturity, as well as penitence and also some courage. One should be very sensitive not to overstrain the child with choices, especially in the beginning when the child is not used to it. To keep the discussion brief and reasonable, the parent should define clearly what the options are and what is not negotiable.

Practice What You Preach

Raising Responsible versus Entitled Children

Marsha B.Sauls, Ph.D.
770-668-0350 x 221

It is amazing how well our kids learn what we teach them. The only problem is that most of the things they learn from parents is communicated without words. This is probably why most parents have made the statement "If I've said it once, I've said it one hundred times and they just don't get it!" Most kids don't `get it" by listening.

Being responsible and being entitled are two abilities that are particularly difficult to teach with words. That is because a person learns to be responsible or entitled according to what he or she is rewarded for. To teach responsibility one rewards for accomplished behavior. To teach entitlement one rewards for something other than accomplished behavior. Most parents do a little bit of both.

Parents can tell if their child is responding from an entitled perspective or a responsible perspective in two ways. First, by observing and listening to the child's response and secondly, by checking out their own feelings about this response. A responsible child, when made a request of or denied something, will register displeasure and a parent may feel mildly guilty during the interchange. In short order, however, understanding is reached and life goes on.

An entitled child will begin with the same register of displeasure about being requested to do something or denied something but will continue to escalate the situation. The escalation usually takes the form of berating, belittling and comparing the parents to others. The parents' feelings move quickly past mild guilt and on to anger, helplessness, and then incompetence until an attitude of, "It wasn't worth it." prevails. The scene occurs because the child is reasoning from a set of beliefs that say in essence, "I am here to be taken care of and my main purpose and goal in life is to have fun." The parents are reasoning from a set beliefs that are founded in the premise that the child understands that parents are people too and as such they have mental, physical, and financial limits and would appreciate some emotional and physical help at times. It is at these time parents scratch their heads and wonder what is going on. What is going on is that there are two (sometimes more) people arguing, each one coming from a different perspective and each one right in their own perspective.

How does it happen that a parent who wants to teach a child to be responsible ends up in this helpless place with an entitled child who has such a different perspective? In this article an explanation of how to raise an entitled and how to raise a responsible child will be given. No one uses one or the other model 100% and it is not recommended to do so. A balance is necessary. If, however, as a parent you feel incompetent and helpless in most of your interactions with your child you may be raising a child that is too entitled and may want to model more of your interactions with your child after the responsibility model. On the other hand, if you feel you are always in control and your children usually refuse your help and are counting the days before they leave home you may be using the responsibility model too much.

PARENTING FOR ENTITLEMENT
According to World Book Dictionary, an entitled person is one who has a right to ask for or get something. He or she is a privileged individual. The important part of this definition is the word "right." There is no concept or understanding that the "right" is earned. It is bestowed and once given it can be exercised by the entitled person at any time with the expectation that it should be honored.

Training a child to be entitled is a very easy task. As parents we do it constantly by rewarding children for just existing. We don't require consistent behavior to be demonstrated before we give privileges. We give them because our child has reached a certain age. As the child ages, privileges are given based on what "everybody else" thinks a child can and should have at a particular age. This belief is based on the understanding that a child should be able to demonstrate certain responsible behavior at these ages in order to achieve the rewards.

Somehow, however, the request for demonstration of responsibility is lost and the only requirement for reward is age. Some parents even use their children to display their own "success" by giving their children privileges even earlier than their age warrants. As more privileges are given, the child becomes more entitled. And note, these are not rewards. They are privileges.

In this model, the parenting goal is to make the world a pleasant, satisfying, happy place for the child. It is important to parents that their children have things easier than they had things. Parents, when using the entitlement model of parenting, believe:

• Children deserve and have the right to be happy all the time.
• Parents need to protect their child from experiencing natural consequences that result from irresponsible behavior. For example, allowing a child off restriction in order to attend a practice so he or she can play in the game on Saturday.
• The only way to judge a child's responsibility level is to listen to what the child says or promises he or she will do in the future.
• When children reach a particular age they have rights to certain privileges. If they demonstrate incompetence after the right is given, the right can be taken away and the child will understand that he or she should now work for what previously was given for nothing.
  

The result of rewarding children because of their age is an entitled child who has lived in a world where he or she has been rewarded for existing. The child has no concept of having to earn or do something to get or maintain a reward. The entitled child has the following beliefs:

1. My life should consist of the pursuit of happiness, pleasure, and fun.
2. You owe me what I need to have a pleasant, fun life.
3. I can and should be angry when I'm requested to do something to earn what I believe is owed to me.
4. I can and should be angry when privileges are taken away because they belong to me.
   As a result, the entitled child is typically belligerent, angry, usually lazy, and does not feel it's necessary to plan ahead or consider others' lives when making plans. An entitled child does not have any concept that "parents are people too" and may have some needs. An entitled child has no understanding of the fact that their own behavior can result in positive or negative consequences for them. The entitled child's favorite phrases are: "Everybody else does it. Why don't you trust me?" "It's their fault." "That's not fair!" "I need...' "I want...' "You are always on my back." And, later, "I'm leaving!"
   

PARENTING FOR RESPONSIBILITY
A responsible person is defined as one who understands that there are consequences for behavior and therefore plans ahead so that the consequences will be pleasant rather than unpleasant. To be responsible means that one has to do something or behave in a particular way. To judge responsibility therefore requires one to evaluate behavior. To teach responsibility requires a parent to reward a child for accomplished and completed behavior rather than for expected behavior or talk about future plans.

In this model, after a behavior is repeatedly demonstrated a reward is given. For example, if a child repeatedly demonstrates he or she can care for oneself then the child is given the freedom to spend the night out. The more rewards given, the more freedom the child has. And that's what most kids want. It is important to note that in this model the name for what is given is a reward not a privilege. Rewards are things that are earned. Privileges are given before the fact.

The goal for parenting in this model is for the child to learn that their own behavior controls their life. Continuous responsible behavior brings positive rewards and freedom. Continued irresponsible behavior results in rewards not being given in the first place and may result in their loss, temporarily, when mistakes are made. In this model earning something is seen as a normal and natural part of life. One gets according to how one performs.

Parents who use this model of parenting believe:

1. Parents do not have to ensure that their children are happy all of the time.
2. If natural consequences occur as the result of a child being irresponsible, such as missing an important event or being embarrassed in front of friends, it's okay.
3. It is important to communicate with their children by reading their behavior rather than only listening to their words.
4. Children are learning and will make mistakes, therefore rewards are given only after repeated consistent behavior rather than after one good deed.
   

In this parenting model a child learns that they don't automatically get things just because they exist. As a result, the child can respect and appreciate others efforts because they have a personal understanding of what it means to earn something. In addition they develop a personal sense of power (empowerment) and self esteem because they know that their control of their own behavior will and can determine what they get in life.

Because learning to be entitled or responsible both require rewards, one for being and the other for behavior, they are both learned over time. Therefore, to unlearn either model will also take time. If you experience your child being consistently disrespectful of you, thwarting your efforts at parenting, and find yourself feeling helpless or incompetent as a parent, your child is too entitled. To change this you will have to change your beliefs as a parent, start rewarding your child only after consistent, demonstrated positive behavior, and be willing to have your child be unhappy sometimes. An entitled child can be quite a formidable force and will fight hard to maintain the status quo. The older the child, the harder the struggle because there is a longer history of entitlements to overcome. Parenting groups, a therapist, or sometimes even a supportive, understanding friend or family member can be an invaluable support system for parents trying to change parenting models.

The bottom line is that we all learn from our experiences. If your child is not learning what you want him or her to learn, change what they experience.

Marsha B. Sauls, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice and the Director of the Atlanta Institute for Individual and Family Therapy, 1864 Independence Square, Suite A, Dunwoody, Ga. 30338, phone:(770) 668-0350. Dr. Sauls is the president of the Georgia Psychological Association, a Supervisor and Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. She specializes in working with adolescents and adults, couples and families. Dr. Sauls and her husband have two college-age children.

Raising a Responsible Child

Why Children Will Not Complete Routine Tasks

© Connie Newbauer
Dec 26, 2006

Do you have to tell your five-year-old or eight-year-old every morning that their face should be washed and their bed should be made? YES!

You’re a good parent. You’ve taken the time to patiently explain what must be done for proper hygiene each morning, how to dress and how to find the emergency bowl of cereal – then why can’t little Elizabeth complete these tasks on her own yet!

There are several reasons children cannot complete what adults see as easy, routine tasks necessary for everyday independence, some are physical and some, just like any routine in life, take multiple explanations and practice sessions to sink in and become the status-quo.

As incomprehensive as it may seem to adults, there are days in which a five-year-old cannot not physically manipulate the buttons on her shirt or zip her jeans or skirt. Other days, she may be just fine. Once a child is physically mature and their small motor skills have completed development, such tasks will not be a hurdle, but until then, patience is the answer – along with a helping hand, not a scolding when a little extra help is needed!

Hygiene seems to be another learning curve for parents to take. If you've instructed the average adult to get up in the morning, wash their face or shower, brush their teeth, comb their hair, get dressed and make their bed, there would be few, if any problems. Telling a five – or eight year old to do this and then even showing them, may not be enough to accomplish these tasks on a daily basis at first.

Even going through all the motions with them once, making sure everything they need to complete these tasks are stored at their level may not be enough. What can you do to make sure the routine is completed each morning?

At child’s eye level, paste a chart (with pictures for younger learners), with expected tasks.
Give a gentle reminder each morning, when you wake them, what you need them to do. Encourage them to check their progress off on the chart. In that way, they will have a visual indication of their accomplishment.

When they next appear, ask them if they have completed (brushing their teeth, washing their face and hands, making their beds, etc.) their tasks.

Before she leaves for the day, say you’d like to see what a beautiful job she did and accompany her to her room to check the bed and to the bathroom if they seem to need “extra help this morning” brushing teeth or washing face and hands. If so, help without demeaning the way they've completed the task prior to your checking their progress.

If a task has been done, such as the bed has been made, but is not up to your expectations, stop and make sure you're not expecting the bed to look as if you had made it – it won’t. The covers will be lumpy and crooked and not ready for a photo spread in House Beautiful - but it should never be re-done in front of the child! They will feel they can’t please you and will eventually stop attempting the task!

If you are having company and wish for the bed to look a little neater one day, take the vacuum into the room with dusting materials and tell her you’d like to work with her today to tidy the room for guests. Let her help you make the bed and then have her dust while you vacuum. I’m sure she’ll do such a lovely job, you will be happy to let her help in the living room while you clean as well – and she’ll do so willingly! On a future day, not too far away, you will be rewarded with a child who volunteers to help you.

Although on busy mornings, it will be hard to keep up the "intensive training," it will be worth it in the long run. Any adult beginning any new task - working out at the gym - taking a walk in the morning, getting up at a new time - it takes a repetition of a minimum of seven times before the new task becomes routine.

We are raising little ones - and sometimes, we have to be extra attentive to details before a new task evolves into routine! Remember: Repetition teaches Responsibility!]

The copyright of the article Raising a Responsible Child in Early Childhood is owned by Connie Newbauer. Permission to republish Raising a Responsible Child must be granted by the author in writing.

"Perang Gerilya" Si Umar Bakri

KOMPAS/HENDRA A SETYAWAN / Kompas Images
Sebanyak 1.500 siswa dan orangtua siswa peserta ujian nasional di SMU Negeri I Kepanjen, Kabupaten Malang, Jawa Timur, Jumat (18/4), mengikuti istighotsah menjelang pelaksanaan ujian nasional.

Minggu, 11 Mei 2008 | 01:41 WIB
Budi Suwarna dan Ilham Khoiri

Kekisruhan dalam ujian nasional belakangan mungkin mencerminkan sikap bangsa yang kerap hipokrit. Di satu sisi, pemerintah ngotot mematok standar kelulusan sebagai cermin peningkatan mutu pendidikan nasional. Saat bersamaan, standar itu dicapai dengan berbagai trik, tipu muslihat, atau lewat ”perang gerilya” yang melibatkan para guru.

Maya (nama samaran) tertawa sinis setiap kali mendengar pejabat mengklaim ujian nasional (UN) berlangsung sukses dan angka kelulusan tinggi. Soalnya, dia tahu benar, betapa ”sukses” itu diraih bukan melalui proses belajar-mengajar di sekolah, melainkan lewat ”perang gerilya” yang dilakoni para guru.

Guru sebuah SMA swasta di Jakarta itu mengungkapkan, hampir semua sekolah di rayonnya menyiapkan berbagai strategi ”perang gerilya” untuk memberikan contekan kepada siswa. Tahun ini Maya mengaku masuk dalam ”pasukan gerilya” bersama beberapa guru lain.

Saat hari-hari ujian, dia datang ke sekolah sekitar pukul 04.30. Mirip ”operasi subuh”. Begitu soal datang, ada guru yang bertugas merusak segel dan mengambil beberapa berkas soal untuk dikerjakan bersama-sama. ”Kami hanya punya waktu sekitar 30 menit untuk menyelesaikan soal sebelum pengawas datang,” ujarnya.

Bocoran jawaban itu lantas dibagikan kepada para siswa sebelum memasuki ruang ujian. ”Kadang, bocoran jawaban kami letakkan di WC. Nanti, ada siswa yang akan mengambil jawaban itu dan menyebarkannya kepada teman-temannya,” ujarnya.

Di sekolah lain, kata Maya, ada beberapa siswa terpilih yang dilibatkan dalam ”perang gerilya”. Setelah mendapat bocoran jawaban, dia bertugas mendistribusikannya kepada siswa lainnya.

”Perang gerilya” ini berlangsung sistematis dengan strategi yang matang dan terus diperbarui setiap tahun. Selama ini aman-aman saja. Maklum, sebelum UN, sejumlah sekolah di wilayahnya sudah bersepakat untuk saling tutup mata. ”Pengawas juga sudah tahu sama tahu. Yang penting, operasinya tidak menyolok,” katanya.

Di luar Jakarta, ”perang gerilya” juga terjadi di Sumatera Utara. Namun, entah karena strateginya tidak canggih, operasi itu tercium Detasemen Antiteror 88. Akibatnya, para guru yang terlibat pun digerebek ketika sedang membetulkan lembar jawaban milik siswa.

Berbagai tekanan
Pembocoran jawaban atau berbagai kecurangan lain sebenarnya terjadi hampir secara massal dan bukan dilandasi motif uang. Banyak pihak sadar, perbuatan itu jelas tidak mendidik. Para guru berani berbuat curang lantaran ingin menyelamatkan siswa yang hanya menjadi korban sistem yang bermasalah.

”Kalau tak lulus, mereka tidak dapat ijazah. Padahal, ijazah perlu untuk cari kerja di pabrik,” ujar Maya. Memang, sebagian besar siswa di sekolah itu berasal dari golongan menengah ke bawah yang tidak mampu melanjutkan kuliah.

Di luar pertimbangan itu, pembocoran juga dilakukan untuk mempertahankan prestise sekolah. Semakin banyak siswa gagal ujian, para guru semakin khawatir sekolahnya tak diminati lagi oleh para orangtua. Jika itu terjadi, sekolah bisa ditutup dan guru kehilangan kerja.

Terakhir, kecurangan itu dilakukan demi menyelamatkan muka pejabat. Sudah jadi rahasia umum, menteri, gubernur, bupati, wali kota, sampai kepala dinas pendidikan di kabupaten/kota mematok target kelulusan UN yang tinggi. Para pejabat di bawahnya semakin rajin menekan sekolah agar mencapai target itu, bagaimanapun caranya.

Iwan Hermawan, Sekretaris Jenderal Federasi Guru Independen Indonesia (FGII) mengatakan, saat ini guru benar-benar tertekan. Banyak orangtua yang tidak mau tahu, anaknya harus lulus karena merasa telah keluar banyak uang. Begitulah, Si Umar Bakri yang sudah tertekan oleh gaji yang minim, semakin terbebani oleh pejabat dan sistem. ”Alhamdulillah, hingga kini tidak ada guru yang bunuh diri karena UN,” ujar Iwan.

Dia mengatakan, ”perang gerilya” yang dilakukan para guru sebenarnya adalah bentuk perlawanan paling sederhana terhadap sistem.

Cobaan berat
Sekolah umumnya sadar, persiapan agar lulus UN memang tak cukup hanya mengandalkan belajar biasa. Soal-soal ujian kerap terlalu sulit untuk dikerjakan siswa biasa. Karena itu, para siswa didorong untuk menjalani berbagai macam pelajaran tambahan: try out (TO), bimbingan belajar (bimbel), simulasi ujian, sampai pendalaman materi (PM).

Dewi Fitri (15), siswa SMPN di Bandung, misalnya, mengaku menghabiskan 20 jam sehari untuk berlatih mengerjakan soal. Mulai pukul 07.00 sampai 17.30, dia suntuk belajar dan mengikuti pemantapan materi di sekolah. Sore hingga malam, dia masih belajar lagi.

Setelah bangun pukul 03.00 pun, dia meneruskan belajar. Di luar itu, dia ikut les bimbingan belajar. Di sana, dia mengunyah-ngunyah rumus menjawab soal atau jurus tebak jawaban. Pokoknya capek deh!

Belum yakin dengan berbagai persiapan ujian secara rasional, banyak sekolah yang akhirnya mendorong siswa untuk menempuh jalan spiritual. Tujuannya, menggembleng mental siswa agar lebih tenang. Maka, kini banyak sekolah yang punya tren baru, yaitu menyelenggarakan istighotsah, kegiatan doa bersama yang biasa dijalani umat Islam untuk meminta pertolongan Tuhan dari cobaan yang berat.

Tren ini dijalani hampir di semua sekolah, mulai dari sekolah pinggiran sampai sekolah unggulan seperti SMAN 31 Jakarta. Sekolah ini menggelar istighotsah satu minggu sebelum ujian. Sebanyak 435 siswa dan sejumlah guru sekolah unggulan ini menginap di sekolah.

Dini hari, mereka dibangunkan dan diajak mengerjakan shalat tahajud, zikir, muhasabah (introspeksi diri), shalat taubat (mohon ampun kepada Tuhan), dan berdoa bersama. ”Banyak siswa yang mencium kaki orangtuanya setiba di rumah (untuk minta ampun),” kata Humas SMAN 31, Saur Hurabarat.

Istighotsah juga dilakukan di SMK Jakarta Pusat I. Begitu pula sejumlah sekolah di Bandung, seperti SMAN 9 dan SMPN 53. Lewat laku spiritual ini, diharapkan siswa lebih siap mental untuk menghadapi soal-soal ujian yang sulit sekalipun. Tentu, mereka juga berharap Tuhan berkenan melempangkan jalan agar siswa lulus ujian.

Bukannya tak menghargai istighotsah. Tetapi, fenomena ini menunjukkan, betapa sakralitas pendidikan telah bergeser dari krida untuk menggembleng ilmu pengetahuan ke wilayah spiritual. ”Menghadapi UN hampir tidak ada bedanya dengan menghadapi bencana. Siswa begitu putus asa sampai-sampai harus ber-istighotsah,” kata Iwan Hermawan.

UN baru saja dilalui. Setelah hari-hari yang berat itu, kini para siswa dan guru sedang ”deg-degan” menunggu hasil ujian yang bakal diumumkan pada pertengahan Juni nanti. ”Sekarang kami serahkan semuanya kepada kehendak Tuhan,” kata T Iskandar, guru agama SMK Jakpus I, dengan mimik penuh permohonan. (Yulvianus Harjono/ Yenti Aprianti)